Social Studies Teacher

We’ve all been here—the argument with your adolescent. The conflict is exhausting and the battle hardly seems worth it—then one of you makes the comment “Just never mind; I won’t say anything else about (insert subject here).”

Whether said in frustration, disgust, or in earnest—most people are true to their word; they say nothing else.  But some ruminate. They stew. They mull it over, turning the subject, conversation, and action surrounding the conflict over and over in their minds—keeping it fresh.

This type of “chewing over” of a subject keeps the “instant replay reel” active long after the conflict has subsided. That’s because for some, switching gears is a task that proves unmanageable, can look like an inability to “move-on,” and can actively sabotage healing and understanding.

What happens when you love someone who ruminates and won’t let “it” go? What happens when the constant references to the “thing” they were never going to speak of again, can no longer go unnoticed? What happens when the body language, facial expressions, and side comments are relentless? What happens when the obsession and hyper-focus on the subject of conflict causes rifts in a relationship?

What happens? Resentment, ill-will, bitterness, and disengagement from the person is what typically happens. Although reasons for hanging on are as individual as the person themselves, resolution can be more universal.

First, it is important to change the way we think about conflict. Conflict is healthy, can be respectful, and a way to grow with—not apart from—your adolescent. True adolescent conflict typically surrounds issues of autonomy and it is why this type of conflict can be so transformative, bringing to the table a level of understanding not previously known.

Second, it is always important to stop when the conflict is becoming unproductive. Getting stuck in cyclical disputes heightens emotions and makes positions intractable. As hard as it may be to disengage, do it. A physical reset will change the dynamic, perspective, and possibly preserve feelings. While vocalizing that you need to take a break and taking it is beneficial, making the same vocalization and storming off, slamming doors, or muttering just loud enough for the other person to hear as you walk away is not helpful. Reset time is for disengagement, to recompose, and then reengage—not get the last word.

Third, don’t be afraid to ask the question. While many disengage from conflict agreeing to disagree, some continue to hold the baggage and continue to damage the relationship. For those with intractable positions, simple questions like, “Is something still bothering you?”, “Do you want to talk?” or “Do you know why you’re still upset about this?” can go a long way in getting to the root of disagreement. If the questions are answered, it is not unusual to hear the words “everybody,” “always,” and “never.” Get clear about this. Who is everybody, when is always, and what is never? Shrink the broad circle to a smaller more manageable ring.

Fourth, for both the parent and the adolescent—do what you say you are going to do. If the conflict ends and you aren’t over it, don’t commit to letting it go. Instead, commit to engage in helpful and healthy conversation. If the conflict ends and you are over it, acknowledge that and move on.

In the end, viewing conflict through an adolescent lens of independence can help re-frame the fight. While conflict is a fact of life, how we engage, manage, transform, and disengage is ultimately a choice. By letting go of the conflict and not ruminating—the parent-adolescent relationship can grow stronger and evolve along its natural continuum into a strong, healthy, and supportive parent-adult child relationship.

Adolescence is a time when young people begin to care greatly about their appearance—how they see themselves and how others see them. They begin to question their appearance—will it help or hinder social and romantic relationships? These thoughts lead to questions of “Am I too _______?”, “I am not _______.”, or “I wish I was _______!”

Although this is not a new phenomenon, the modern adolescent has to contend with the bombardment of media in everyday life. Media is now woven through the tapestry of adolescence. Countless media sources send messages about body image, and much attention has been given to media, in all of its forms, for promoting the idea that “thin is beautiful” or that you have to “look a certain way” to be popular, smart, or get a date.

The most important message: The media’s job is to promote perfection by using images as a barometer. Their job is to create a perfect person, which does not exist, so that an advertiser’s product will be purchased by a consumer who hopes to transform themselves into a perfect person. The media is an illusion and should be viewed through the lens of the fantasy it was hired by advertisers to create.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way……………… the rest of the message comes by understanding puberty and some of the effects not talked about in standard family life classes.

Body dissatisfaction and the ill effects it can produce have the most negative impact on young girls as they enter puberty. In fact, “Only about one fourth (26.7%) of American adolescents are highly satisfied with their body.”[1] That means three out of every four (73.3%) adolescent girls you meet is at risk for some sort of unhealthy habit, thought, or pattern surrounding their body and this usually translates into unhealthy food and eating habits.

Although less than 1% of female adolescents are anorexic and only about 4% bulimic, these are just the reported statistics. I can say that I attended a middle school filled with closet bingeing and purging and it is unlikely they would have admitted the behavior. It was even an accepted practice in many movies of my middle school and early high school generation. Of course, I’m showing my age in that respect, but from what I see on my own social media and the social media of those teens I do know—body image is still a hot topic. A topic still misunderstood, still unhealthy, and still needing serious conversations. Mixed messages sent by the media, parents, peers, and other role models can lead to a lifelong unhealthy relationship with food at best and body dysmorphia at worst.

It’s important to talk to adolescents about healthy food choices and exercise, not “controlling” weight (or image). Openly discuss issues surrounding body dissatisfaction and don’t discount concerns as adolescent angst, irrational comments, dramatic play, or comparison syndrome. The thoughts and feelings adolescents have about their body, especially in middle school, are seared into their fiber and become a part of who they will become as an adult—good, bad, or indifferent.

My son, as a newborn, was the sleeping envy of all new mothers—this was because he slept. As a toddler, there were no bedtime showdowns. Even through the different stages of elementary school, he went to bed at night and awoke in the morning without protest. But something happened to this child shortly after his eleventh birthday; he seemed to have acquired an inability to get out of the bed in the mornings for school.

As this pattern emerged, the morning family routine became increasingly dysfunctional. There were arguments, hurt feelings, and lots of breakfasts crammed in at the bus stop. By week three of school, I began to worry. Not only had he started middle school, but he started a new middle school—far away from home and with kids he had never met. I wondered if I had made the wrong choice—if this were just a silent protest to his new situation. I talked to him, I listened to him, I interrogated him, and……I believed him—it wasn’t school.

His side of the story: He’s tired, he tries to get out of bed, and there is no understanding on the part of his stepfather how tired he is. He simply can’t get out of bed—his body won’t let him.

My side of the story: If you are tired go to bed earlier, I’m tired too, and I do understand—I understand that getting out of bed is essential to making it to school on time.  I get out of bed, my body lets me, and I’m old.

Clearly, we were at a sleep-wake impasse. Then, I came across some interesting research related to puberty and changes in patterns of sleep. I read about something called delayed phase preference (DPP), a sleep pattern characterized by later sleep-wake times.

Here’s what I learned: 

• DPP is driven by the biological changes of puberty,
• Melatonin plays a sizable role in DPP,
• Environmental factors contribute to DPP,
• Adolescents are most alert after 3pm and least alert between 8am–9am,
• Different sleep-wake times on weekends vs. weekdays makes the problem worse, and
• DPP usually begins to reverse around age twenty.

It is well know that melatonin plays a considerable role in our sleep-wake pattern. When melatonin levels rise (usually in the evenings), we feel sleepier, and when melatonin levels fall (usually in the mornings), we feel more awake. But the secretion of melatonin means something more for adolescents. The secretion of melatonin plays a role (along with kisspeptin and other hormones) in triggering puberty.

During puberty, the time of night the body releases melatonin changes. As physical maturation progresses, the changes become later and later. In fact, for those adolescents who have completed puberty, the body releases melatonin an average of two hours later than for those who have not yet completed puberty—resulting in the need to stay awake up to two hours later than those who have not yet, or have just started, puberty.

This holistic shift in the melatonin release cycle is fascinating, but unfortunately, the combination of biologically-induced late sleep times and rigid early school wake times cause problems for adolescents—namely sleep deprivation and daytime sleepiness. Sleep deprivation and daytime sleepiness can cause cognitive impairment, poor school performance, poor self-control, obesity, accidents, and even depression, just to name a few. Compounding this problem—the amount of sleep an adolescent requires is still around nine hours a night.

DPP explained exactly what had begun to happen with my usually-easy-sleeping and early-rising child. As I reflected, there was a pattern emerging, of not only difficulty in waking but also a preference for keeping later hours in the evening. Once I understood it was driven by biological factors and not the beginnings of the argumentative stage of boundary-testing autonomy, I began to make adjustments.

1. The family routine became priority number one. Sticking to roughly the same sleep-wake cycle every day—even on weekends. Even on those evenings when sleep is elusive, just lying in bed and “resting” your body is supportive.

2. We began preparing for the next morning the night before, allowing him to squeeze the last bit of sleep from the snooze button. Things such as packing book bags, sports bags, and lunches, as well as taking showers and laying out clothes for the next day.

3. When the sun goes down, the lights—and the devices—go off.

4. Occasionally supplementing melatonin is not out of the question.

All of these adjustments have been time—and sanity—savers. They have also helped honor this DPP biological time of life. Although I have no control over school start times, I can make easing into sleep and transitioning to morning easier for him, as these biological changes are just a part of growing up.