We’ve all been here—the argument with your adolescent. The conflict is exhausting and the battle hardly seems worth it—then one of you makes the comment “Just never mind; I won’t say anything else about (insert subject here).”

Whether said in frustration, disgust, or in earnest—most people are true to their word; they say nothing else.  But some ruminate. They stew. They mull it over, turning the subject, conversation, and action surrounding the conflict over and over in their minds—keeping it fresh.

This type of “chewing over” of a subject keeps the “instant replay reel” active long after the conflict has subsided. That’s because for some, switching gears is a task that proves unmanageable, can look like an inability to “move-on,” and can actively sabotage healing and understanding.

What happens when you love someone who ruminates and won’t let “it” go? What happens when the constant references to the “thing” they were never going to speak of again, can no longer go unnoticed? What happens when the body language, facial expressions, and side comments are relentless? What happens when the obsession and hyper-focus on the subject of conflict causes rifts in a relationship?

What happens? Resentment, ill-will, bitterness, and disengagement from the person is what typically happens. Although reasons for hanging on are as individual as the person themselves, resolution can be more universal.

First, it is important to change the way we think about conflict. Conflict is healthy, can be respectful, and a way to grow with—not apart from—your adolescent. True adolescent conflict typically surrounds issues of autonomy and it is why this type of conflict can be so transformative, bringing to the table a level of understanding not previously known.

Second, it is always important to stop when the conflict is becoming unproductive. Getting stuck in cyclical disputes heightens emotions and makes positions intractable. As hard as it may be to disengage, do it. A physical reset will change the dynamic, perspective, and possibly preserve feelings. While vocalizing that you need to take a break and taking it is beneficial, making the same vocalization and storming off, slamming doors, or muttering just loud enough for the other person to hear as you walk away is not helpful. Reset time is for disengagement, to recompose, and then reengage—not get the last word.

Third, don’t be afraid to ask the question. While many disengage from conflict agreeing to disagree, some continue to hold the baggage and continue to damage the relationship. For those with intractable positions, simple questions like, “Is something still bothering you?”, “Do you want to talk?” or “Do you know why you’re still upset about this?” can go a long way in getting to the root of disagreement. If the questions are answered, it is not unusual to hear the words “everybody,” “always,” and “never.” Get clear about this. Who is everybody, when is always, and what is never? Shrink the broad circle to a smaller more manageable ring.

Fourth, for both the parent and the adolescent—do what you say you are going to do. If the conflict ends and you aren’t over it, don’t commit to letting it go. Instead, commit to engage in helpful and healthy conversation. If the conflict ends and you are over it, acknowledge that and move on.

In the end, viewing conflict through an adolescent lens of independence can help re-frame the fight. While conflict is a fact of life, how we engage, manage, transform, and disengage is ultimately a choice. By letting go of the conflict and not ruminating—the parent-adolescent relationship can grow stronger and evolve along its natural continuum into a strong, healthy, and supportive parent-adult child relationship.